I've written about my struggles with dance in the past... but this past week has brought everything into a very stark light. How so? Well... it starts back quite a few months ago when new teachers were coming into our school and changes were being made. Somehow in all of that, the &over Prizewinner class was forgotten about. Forgotten? Yes, forgotten. Not in the, "we no longer have class" type of forgetting, but in the "we never learn anything new and no longer get challenged to be better dancers" kind of way. The teacher for our class is great about pushing stamina and endurance. But, we haven't learned new steps, new tricks, or anything else in a very long time. Where does the blame lie? I am not sure.... How can it be fixed? I am even less sure....
However, in spite of the lack of "class" and the influx of (barely) Novice dancers into our class time, I have been pushing myself... to dance better, stronger and longer. I mean, if I am not learning anything new, why not make the most of it, right?
Well... my frustrations have been mounting more and more lately. Topping the list was my poor, poor showing at our last feis. In which I did not place. A. Single. Thing. That has never happened. And no, before you ask, I was not feeling off, or tired or anything else. I felt good. Strong, clean, etc. Apparently that wasn't good enough. So what could I do? I didn't have a lot of options, but I brought it up to my teachers...
We have an upcoming show in a couple weeks. Our big, yearly showcase. At dance last week I learned that every other level and dancer is going to be showcased... except for the prizewinners. The group of us has been mixed into the Adults or Novice groups... and left me feeling incredibly left out. Where would we get our chance to shine? I left dance on Thursday feeling dejected, looked over, depressed and upset about dance on a whole. Why would I extend an invite to my family and friends to come and see my show. I'm not going to be out on stage all that much. I won't get to showcase my steps or my strengths with the group of dancers (mostly &over adults) who have been struggling right along side of me. So, why have anyone come?
But... this revelation also brings into light the question of why do I put myself through this? I love to dance, love the music, the dresses, the thrill of competition. Being looked over, ignored and forgotten about make it hard to be motivated to work harder. To try my best. To get better. So what steps do I take?
There will be no answers until after our big show. May 4th. Maybe even after. So, I guess I have to keep my head down, my heels up and my mouth shut for a while.
After that.... one can only tell.